Hometown Blues

I'm from New Mexico. (And no, that's not one of the things about which I'm ashamed.) There have been some... interesting... things going on in my hometown lately regarding football players committing sexual assault (who's surprised?). There's some interesting news coverage. I'm hoping the links will remain active for a while. There's an interesting article that sums up some of the responses here. (Here's one especially infuriating quote from someone named Jan

"Frankly, however, I'm shocked that the Times didn't have the genius to ask, and print, the answers to some questions. ... Did the little girl's clothing, demeanor, or actions, by any chance tease or lure the boy into thinking and acting upon something improper?"

Unfortunately, the editor did not directly attack this viewpoint, but he did write a letter that made me glad that he was in my hometown. Click here to read the editor's response to the fury in the town after the original article ran.

Below I will paste the e-mail that I wrote to him.

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I grew up in Farmington , but I now live in Austin , TX where I work in the field of sexual violence prevention. The article about the Aztec football player was forwarded to me by my boss here in Texas , and in looking for more information, I came across your column. I think it is vitally important that individuals in positions such as yours continue to break the silence around the issue of sexual assault and that you bring light to the cultural norms that perpetuate sexual violence. Keeping the silence, as you seem to understand, implicitly shows support for the perpetrator and leads to a climate that is unsafe and unsupportive for victim/survivors of sexual violence. Many individuals think that silence, in this case, would have been preferable because it would have protected the reputation of the football player, but he must face the consequences of his actions. We have so many obstacles in the movement to end sexual violence, many of which are evident in the reactions individuals have had to the Daily Times articles and your column regarding this situation. Please continue to make yourself heard and to bring attention to the fact that perpetrators and not victims are responsible for sexual assault. It is vital to continue pointing out that perpetrators make the decision to commit sexual violence and that victims are in no way responsible. Whether a victim is 3, 13, or 23, the way she dresses or acts is not the cause of sexual assault. This is a violent crime and the perpetrator alone is directly responsible for his actions. Unfortunately, the attitudes of our community members as well as the norms of our society often support attitudes that perpetuate these acts of violence. We must continue to work to change these norms and not remain silent about this issue. Thank you for speaking out.

The Way Women Dress

I said originally that I would probably have to admit a number of my own shames somewhere in this blog. It's time for my next one. I listen to the Bobby Bones show. For those of you who don't live in the Austin area, this is a morning show hosted by twenty-something Austinites and it is often highly offensive in it's reflection of our culture. There is one particularly pernicious individual on this show who calls himself Lunchbox and he fills the role of a typical misogynistic male who is all about women and sex.

Perhaps you are wondering why I listen to this show… I wonder that too. I can say, in all honesty, that it is partially to better understand the part of our current culture that I don’t participate in. Let’s face it, I’m pretty sheltered from it usually in my equality-driven, social change world. The Bobby Bones show is and interesting study. And, yes, I do at times find it entertaining. Lately, however, it has been more frustrating than entertaining.

This week we heard the story of one of LB’s friends who flew out to Colorado to meet a woman with whom he’d been speaking online for about a month. The conversation that ensued over the next few days focused on how this man would undoubtedly be expecting sex and that any male who’d spent all that money and gone so far would naturally expect a woman to “give it up.” He also said he couldn’t understand why his friend would travel so far for a “6 and a half” when he could get a 6.5 any time down on sixth street. (Read: Why travel so far for a fuck when you can get one closer and cheaper?) Certainly his friend couldn’t have gone because he might have some emotional connection with this woman and wanted to explore that some. If he did, he certainly wouldn’t tell his friends about it because of the flack they’d give him.

Not long after that, in an unrelated story, one of the female personalities on the show mentioned that some women go to bars that are primarily catered toward gay men so that they don’t have to worry about being hit on. In true fashion of a man who believes in everything I fight against, LB argued that women dress the way they do specifically to get hit on and that they shouldn’t complain about being hit on because they like it or they wouldn’t dress that way. And Bobby, who is usually a less heinous though still complicit man, agreed. It’s times like that when I almost let the tiger off the leash. I’ve pasted below the text of the e-mail I sent.

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Bobby,

I'm not really sure why I listen to your show - other than it is an enlightening look at the state of our culture today. I have come to expect that I will be offended by everything that Lunchbox says, and at some level I want to agree that even he doesn't believe everything that comes out of his mouth. The last two days, the content on your show has been even more concerning than usual.

Yesterday, a number of comments were made about women dressing a certain way for the sole purpose of eliciting comments from men and that women shouldn't dress they way they do and then complain about being hit on by every man in the vicinity. I suppose in the limited view you and Lunchbox have as men (and therefore being used to the world revolving around you) it might never have occurred to you that women might dress up to feel good about themselves. Women who go out often want to feel sexy for their own sake and men don't have the de facto right to hit on women or to assume that women dress solely for men's pleasure.

Today's conversation about men's expectations for sex were also very interesting. I don't disagree with you and Lunch that men have those expectations, but I think those expectations are dangerous. I'd like to point out that in your view, men are expecting sex because they have spent a certain amount of money on a woman - this reduces all women to commodities that are for sale. In essence then, men are looking at all women as prostitutes whose sexual services are available for a certain price to be determined by men. Not all men think this way, but many do. And not all men will act on those expectations, but again many do act on them. Men in those situations feel entitled to sex and some will take it whether or not the woman "gives it up", as you say. This is sexual assault. The majority of men do not commit acts of sexual violence, but the majority of men do perpetuate attitudes and beliefs that allow this to occur.

I believe that you are a well intentioned man, and I hope that you might be willing to address issues like this and what they mean for women instead of what they mean only for men. At the end of the day, for men these beliefs may not seem so dangerous but for women they have very real consequences.